I'm back
WOW time has been going by too fast. When did the year get here? I have been so busy with work and Fertility STUFF that I have not been around. The holidays were a whirlwind of activity as always. I think I had a few moments to sit and relax. It was a hard year for me as I know it was for so many others.
I have now gone through two trials of insemination and started the third to find it not working out for the month of December. Which with all the Christmas activity may have been for the best. For this month (January) I am not even going to try due to the stress, money, and Jim is out of a job. Yes as of today Jim is in the market for a new job. He had been working for a small excavating company for almost a year and they told him this afternoon that they needed to let him go.
So, after the approximately $10,000.00 dollars out of pocket we spent through last year on infertility we are still just waiting for the right time and for God to bless us. I knew I was getting to stressed to continue for now when I walk out of the doctors office and can only make it about ten feet down the hall before I stop and break down in tears! I keep telling myself "it will all be worth it, God will provide and I just need to be patient" Well that is not helping!!! I am not a crier! I do not cry at movies and I tend to hold it all inside till I pop. I POPPED!!! I have had so many tears over so many little things it is making me sick. I look at a little child going through the store with their mom and/or dad and I keep having to hold back tears. I wonder if the people I see even know how lucky they are. The next time someone has the audacity to say to me "why don't you take my kids, then you won't want any" I am going to kick their ass. I don't find it funny it just pisses me off. I needed to get that out.
Well, we will see if February looks better overall. Depends on Jim's job status, my stress level, and the money in my account.
Later...
I have now gone through two trials of insemination and started the third to find it not working out for the month of December. Which with all the Christmas activity may have been for the best. For this month (January) I am not even going to try due to the stress, money, and Jim is out of a job. Yes as of today Jim is in the market for a new job. He had been working for a small excavating company for almost a year and they told him this afternoon that they needed to let him go.
So, after the approximately $10,000.00 dollars out of pocket we spent through last year on infertility we are still just waiting for the right time and for God to bless us. I knew I was getting to stressed to continue for now when I walk out of the doctors office and can only make it about ten feet down the hall before I stop and break down in tears! I keep telling myself "it will all be worth it, God will provide and I just need to be patient" Well that is not helping!!! I am not a crier! I do not cry at movies and I tend to hold it all inside till I pop. I POPPED!!! I have had so many tears over so many little things it is making me sick. I look at a little child going through the store with their mom and/or dad and I keep having to hold back tears. I wonder if the people I see even know how lucky they are. The next time someone has the audacity to say to me "why don't you take my kids, then you won't want any" I am going to kick their ass. I don't find it funny it just pisses me off. I needed to get that out.
Well, we will see if February looks better overall. Depends on Jim's job status, my stress level, and the money in my account.
Later...
posted by Heidi Miller @ 9:55 PM
4 Comments:
At 6:43 AM,
Gail said…
Oh my sweet Heidi, I am praying for you. You deserve a baby more than anyone I know. Tell Jim to start pounding the pavement and get a good job with insurance. Try to not stress too much. I know thats impossible, but try. I work in a Day care where so many of these kids don't have one or both parents. How fair is that? I will never understand why women who have nothing, or who are on drugs, get babies. Why 14 year olds, get pregnant? Stupid. When people like Heidi have so much love to give have to struggle to have a baby. AAAGGGHHH. I wish I could wave a magic wand over Heidi and let her be with child. Like I said Heidi, I'm prayin hard for you. Love, Aunt Gail
At 7:57 AM,
Barb K said…
Heidi, no sweet platitudes, no pat answers. Just know I pray for you and Jim. God knows; we don't. I love you. Aunt Barb
At 11:21 AM,
PixieGirl said…
Hang in there beautiful... Things will pick up. I've decided that this first month of the year has to suck so that the remainder can be EXCELLENT! I love you taller than the sky.
Mandy
At 2:38 PM,
becca said…
Thinking of you, my new friend.
Best,
becca
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